Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
