An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
