I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
