I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
