The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
