I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
