I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
