Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Randomize
