My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
