I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
