I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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