GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
