I think I won the penis lottery.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
