i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
