I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
