Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
