Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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