As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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