He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
