At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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