Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
No subtext here. People are naked.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
