You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
my poor anus
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Randomize
