I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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