dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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