smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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