He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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