found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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