So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
