He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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