how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
