I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
