Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
