I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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