can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Randomize
