I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
