I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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