Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
