just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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