I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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