I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
