oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
