i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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