Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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