guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
