I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
