I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
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