The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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