I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have surprise drugs for everyone
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
