I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
