Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
