I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
