she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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