I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
