Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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