i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
