It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
